


Blood

by DontRememberMe



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 02:22:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11198445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontRememberMe/pseuds/DontRememberMe
Summary: Mikasa has come to accept that she loves the bad way Eren treats her most of the time, she always wants more and more of his intoxicating poison.





	Blood

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction was inspired by In This Moments amazing song, "Blood" (Lyrics are included).

Mikasa was always alone, of course she had Eren and Armin, but were they ever really there? She knew she could always rely on them at whatever the cost, they were there for her since she was 9 years old and they had been friends ever since. Eren and Mikasa had a bond that was literally bound by blood and a red scarf after all, he had promised her that they'd be together forever. She smirked vaguely when she remembered how nervous she had been to meet Erens only other friend, she was always thankful that Armin had welcomed her to their now less-lonely friend circle with open arms. But was any of this really worth it anymore? She felt alone. She was alone. Yes, they had their better days, ones with no fights or arguments, but the days where Eren seemed to not be able to go more than an hour or so without screaming in her face as Armin watched and made numerous attempts to calm the angry German boy down were more frequent.

And she liked it.

"Leave me alone"

"You're suffocating me"

"Back off, Mikasa!"

"Get lost!"

"Leave!"

"Bleib die Hölle von mir! Lass mich den Fick allein!"

"You're not Mom! Stop trying to be her!"

She definitely remembered how much that last one hurt, but she didn't care. Right now, she found herself looking up at the roof as she laid in her bed. A strange happy yet sad smile stretching slowly across her lips. She liked making Eren scream in her face, she liked the way he looked at her with so much hatred and frustration.

She didn't know why, but she found herself liking it more and more, the bad side of him. She saw it as another form of love and affection for her from the tanned male that was supposedly her "Adoptive Brother". She didn't get enough of a rise out of it, she never could, so she became more infuriating on purpose. Ever since she could remember, after Eren had saved her, she had always felt an empty void in her chest. Erens screams and headbutts always seemed to fill it. It sparked something in her chest and made her adrenaline pump through her veins. She was never able to describe or understand it, but she longed for the pain he caused her, because she knew she deserved it somehow.

"You just stood there."

"You weren't strong enough, now they're dead"

"You just watched the blood flow"

"Your Mother died for you while you froze in your place"

"You didn't listen when she told you to run"

"You were never strong, you'll let Eren die too"

"You're not good enough for him, he probably came across you by mistake"

"You owe him your life"

It was her own thoughts this time, a secondary voice in her head, one that had always lingered. Everything she told herself was correct. She felt guilty. She always had since she witnessed her Father fall to the floor in a pool of his own blood with a bloody knife penetrating his abdomen and saw her Mother fall before her, her blood flying from a bloody woodcutters axe as she fell to the floor, reaching out for her desperately as she took her final breath.

She was never worth his effort.

And the pain from him she had always inflicted on herself always made that ache feel better.

 

I hate you for the sacrifices you made for me

I hate you for every time you ever bled for me

I hate you for the way you smile when you look at me

I hate you for never taking control of me

 

She was never sure when this ache started to get worse or when she started purposely making him hate her a little more with each day that passed, but she always craved more of it. She found herself growing sick of any smile he might have flashed her on their better days, even if it only lasted a second. She wanted to be hated, it was only right, wasn't it? Didn't she deserve it? To be hated by the very one that saved her from her fate worse than death those years ago? He put his own life out on the line to save hers, she killed for him just as he did for her.

A part of her knew that this was a highly unstable way to think and feel.

The other part didn't care one bit as the blissful suffocating feeling of pain clouded her mind.

In battle, there had been many times where he had to bleed for her as well as the others among their comrades, and she hated it. She hated his suffering, his pain. She hated any of his anger that wasn't directed towards her. Everything he was going through, suffering through, bleeding through, she wanted all of it, every last drop of his intoxicating poison. He had done enough.

 

I hate you for always saving me from myself

I hate you for always choosing me and not someone else

I hate you for always pulling me back from the edge

I hate you for every kind word you ever said

I'll bleed you dry now

 

That secondary voice in the back of her mind had always caused her solutions as well as problems. When she felt as though he hadn't caused her enough of the pain that she so craved and desired for- Or rather, made him cause her it- She took it upon herself to finish the amount she wanted, needed, to get through the rest of the day. Of course, Armin was the first to find out about that... He never could keep a secret from Eren. They had always been like Brothers.

When Eren eventually learned the truth from Armins not-so-tight lips, she remembered every detail of that day clearly. She wrapped her arms around herself and bit her lower lip slightly, shivering at the flashback that played in her mind as she closed her eyes and lightly ran her fingertips up and down her arms, feeling goosebumps raising the fine hair on her skin. She remembered his tears, his anger, his sad voice, his angry voice, the way he screamed at her, the way he roughly grabbed her, the way he held her for what felt like forever. Yes, Eren indeed managed to stay pissed off at her for some time, but eventually, his walls, as well as his composure, broke and the defensive and protective part of him kicked in, the side that was scared to lose any more friends or family. And what a more worse way it was for him to lose her to herself rather than the other most obvious way; in battle. Like Hell he was going to let either happen.

It had always been a vicious cycle in her mind. She loved it, she hated it.

 

Blood, blood, blood; Pump mud through my veins

Shut your dirty, dirty mouth; I'm not that easy

Blood, blood, blood; Pump mud through my veins

I'm a dirty, dirty girl; I want it filthy

 

And she would be lying if she said she didn't get off to their anger fueled arguments, fights and stare downs, the way he would spitefully speak to her and scream her name in frustration. It was always a rush when they somehow ended up in unofficial hand to hand combat, whether they had an audience or not. She was stronger than him, and they both knew it. But Eren had gotten better over the years, she'd give him that at least. She lived for the frustration it caused him when he knew he couldn't win against her as she kept up her unwavering fight. The fire in his eyes towards her as he breathed heavily, the sweat from his efforts running down his face and dripping onto her pale skin. However, sometimes, she would allow him to pin her down and let him leave his marks. Feeling defenceless against him, no matter how fake it may or may not be, was that much of a rush of adrenaline to her chest. She wanted to be destroyed by the Monster that everyone saw him as.

 

I love you for everything you ever took from me

I love the way you dominate and you violate me

I love you for every time you gave up on me

I love you for the way you look when you lie to me

I love you for never believing in what I say

I love you for never once giving me my way

I love you for never delivering me from pain

I love you for always driving me insane

I'll bleed you dry now

 

The more she thought about every negative thing she loved and had come to love about her "Adoptive Brother", the more breathless she felt. She drifted her hands up to hold her throat lightly as she felt the cold air leave her lungs, her passageway closing up. The more she thought about him, about everything, the more she felt her nails dig into her porcelain flesh. Little by little, more pressure was added, she closed her eyes and felt her nails draw the slightest of blood, feeling its wetness surface and stain her fingertips. She parted her lips as she kept adding slight pressure and opened her glazed over eyes, her chest slowly starting to heave as she moved one hand over where her heart was beating faster little by little in an attempt to soothe it somehow. She remembered a day when Eren had enough of her constant smothering, her constant stare and snapped, pinning her to the closest wall by her throat roughly. She felt tears prick the corners of her grey eyes and closed them, running her tongue over her drying lips as she remembered his hand, imagining her own as his just how it was from her memory. She remembered its hotness, the roughness of his sun-kissed skin.

She needed more.

 

Blood, blood, blood; Pump mud through my veins

Shut your dirty, dirty mouth; I'm not that easy

Blood, blood, blood; Pump mud through my veins

I'm a dirty, dirty girl; I want it filthy

I hate you, I hate you, I love...

I hate you for every time you ever bled for me.


End file.
